INDISPENSABLE...

When a friend sends you an email, part of which says, and I quote: "We are still waiting for your several times announced visit to Florence," you know you need to get on a cheapo easyjet flight asap. It'd be terribly rude not to, after all.

I found this Italian phrase book, which I think belonged to my grandmother. There's no date on it but it is very certainly from the days of the British Empire, when the sun never set on British soil etc etc. Oh yes, we just blundered around bossing Johnny Foreigner about and maybe giving him a good clip round the ear if he was impertinent.

While this little book has given me hysterical giggles, it also made me feel incredibly uncomfortable about how British people used to treat the rest of the world. Every phrase is an imperious command. Really there's not a per favore or per piacere to be found. I can't imagine my sweet little Granny ever ordering anyone around like that. And the complaining! Often I'm aware of how the world still views the British, but my experience doesn't tally. It all makes sense now.

So here, I give you a few choice phrases from How to Get All You Want When Travelling in Italy.

I will tie the umbrellas together.
(Desidero unire insieme questi ombrelli.)
Why? Is that really something so crucial it merits inclusion in a tiny phrasebook?

Ask the sleeping-car attendant to come to me here.
(Dica all'impiegato dei vagoni-letto di venir qui.)

Send the page-boy to me.
(Mi mandi il ragazzo.)
Sounds a bit dodgy to me.

And now, the draughts section. These are only a few examples of the terror of draughts in a warm Mediterranean country:

There is too great a draught.
(C'e troppa corrente.)

Do you feel the draught?
(Sente la corrente?)

I do not mind a slight draught.
(Una leggera corrente non mi da noia.)

There is a terrible draught.
(C'e una forte corrente.)

Porter! Take my luggage to the custom-house.
(Facchino! Porti i miei baggagli alla dogana.)
Not a per favore in sight.

We shall certainly complain to the British Consul.
(Noi reclameremo certamente al console britannico.)
You don't say.

In the "Hiring a Taxi" section, the xenophobic fear of Italian taxi drivers becomes a tad hysterical:

Your meter appears to be out of order.
(Il suo tassametro sembra che non funzioni bene.)

I shall not pay this amount.
(Non paghero questo ammontare.)

We shall not pay more.
(Non pagheremo di piu.)

We are giving you a great deal too much.
(Noi le diamo gia molto di piu.)

Let us call a policeman.
(Chiamiamo un agente.)

I haven't even started on the "in a restaurant" section. All the things that could possibly be wrong with food, table placement or staff are thoroughly covered. My Italian is too rusty to pick up the subtleties in language that make the phrases sound wrong in modern English. The book uses "desidero" for I want, which I don't think I've ever used. Apart from that I wouldn't notice any difference. I guess I always think of Italian being a more formal language, whereas the way English people speak now is so casual it's like a constant apology. I might take the book to Italy and see if it stops me getting so ripped off by taxi drivers.