FROM RUFFLES TO RANTING...

Excuse me coming over all Mary Portas and "I'm bloody right and I know everything about shopping" but she is, (LOVE her) she does and well, I am and I do. It was in fact she, who jogged my memory about the annoying Reiss credit note in my purse as Reiss was featured (as a good example) in her programme last night.

I take back what I said about Reiss. While I don't have a problem with the design of their clothing, other than it being a little over designed sometimes; I do have a problem with the bright sparks they employ in their Bluewater store. The only reason to visit Bluewater is for the ease of the experience. It's a mall. You're not going to stumble into any cool photography exhibitions or get inspired by the street style. It's so...comfortable there. The staff at Reiss however, seem to have perfected the knack of being intrusive, whilst simultaneously being unhelpful. The last thing I want in the Reiss changing room is to be looked up and down, then verbally re-styled by an 18 year old shop assistant from Dartford, when all I want is another size of the overpriced T-shirt I'm trying on.

I ended up returning the T-shirt because it had too many design features. You know when you just want a T-shirt to be a T-shirt? I don't need a grown on sleeve AND a contrasting cuff AND a weird seam detail. It's like that thing of removing one accessory before leaving the house. And come on, £45? When I returned it I was reminded that Reiss does not do refunds because it is a high street shop that is trying to be a designer shop and thinks that not doing refunds makes it classy. (Selfridges does refunds, as does Net-A-Porter.) So there I was with my crappy credit note, knowing that the only thing £45 would buy me in Reiss was another overpriced, over designed T-shirt with too many tricks up its sleeve. I meant to go to a Reiss in central London as their staff seem to be generally human and less retarded. But oh that sweet, short, non congestion charge laden drive and free parking had me won.

I walked into the shop. I picked up a couple of T-shirts in my size, neatly replacing the other sizes. I browsed. A streaky fake tanned sales assistant clocked me and scowled. I continued on my way around the (almost empty) store with an armful of T-shirts. Instead of putting them in the changing room for me or asking if I needed help she stalked me - as you would a potential shoplifter. I saw a man concealing packets of raw meat under his jacket in Tesco's yesterday. He looked like a shoplifter. Me? I look pretty much like a customer who doesn't mess up the pile of T-shirts because she once worked in fashion retail.

Eventually I headed to the changing rooms and stood waiting outside looking for help for about five hours. No one came so I eventually pushed open a curtain to find an empty changing room, at which point another girl appeared, flung the curtain back and demanded to know how many items I had; then told me I could only have four. I don't know what she did with the dress she took away and I could see no sign of her when I emerged, so she lost her employers a £160 sale. At that point of slightly exasperated mild humiliation I knew I would never buy anything from Reiss again.

Everyone keeps talking about recession, belt tightening and the credit crunch; and it does feel a little weird to talk about shopping when your gas bill costs more than a Balenciaga bag. But what has happened is that I've become more discerning about where I shop and what I'm prepared to buy. If the experience of being in a shop is unpleasant and obstructive rather than enhancing, then there are plenty of other places eager for my money. What they're doing at Reiss is a caricature of the snooty shop assistant through the eyes of an Essex girl. In fact, the staff could do with a little field trip down Bond Street and Sloane Street. They'd find that the vibe in the stores they're trying to emulate is far more pleasant and professional than the one they've created.