WHAT I SAW ON THE WAY...

11pm - ish on the tube:

A man with a broken arm and his shirt falling off has an animatedly slurred conversation with two equally slurring girls, as he travels up one escalator and they down another.

The man sitting nearest to me slumps with his head bent over his stomach, a thick column of drool falling from his mouth onto his chest.

I step over two girls sitting on the floor eating either chips or chicken nuggets.

1pm -ish on the tube:

A girl with a fake Hermes Birkin bag methodically eats a big plastic pot of what looks like noodle salad with a plastic spoon, then places the empty pot on the floor before getting off the tube at Hammersmith.

A woman sitting opposite me, who has big bouffant Amy Winehouse hair including a hairpiece and heavy black eye make up, wipes her eye and smears black eyeliner over half her face. She wipes and wipes away at it with her finger until the smudge is rectified.

A girl sits with a friend and applies first pink eyeshadow, then blue up to her eyebrows. She then plucks her eyebrows, applies blusher, lip liner and lipgloss, before starting to buff her nails roughly, then applies nail varnish. Her friend then does the same. All the time they are loudly discussing girl No1's boyfriend.

The woman standing next to where I'm sitting sneezes all over my hand and neither of us moves or acknowledges it.