ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS SPARKLE...

I don't understand all this Christmas sparkle nonsense. I threw a newly purchased well known weekly fashion magazine in the bin yesterday, muttering something about, "outfit porn for P.A.s". All this demanding I become extremely excited at the prospect of wearing sequins, sparkles and glitter on every inch of my body. At what other time of year would normally sane fashion journalists be proposing we all wear stretch burgundy velvet? I don't know anyone who fits into the mould of having the kind of office Christmas party depicted in this Boots ad, for example (which is actually quite funny). It's as alien to me as eating sheep's eyeballs and I would probably prefer to do that. But where are the features for those of us in the minority; who aren't going to nip into the office loo, don a lycra sequined dress, a pair of New Look heels and slather ourselves in glitter before rocking up at All Bar One and gleefully downing a bottle of Cava before snogging Gareth from accounts? Does anyone actually do this, or is it just a suburban myth?

It's cold outside. Why are there women with nothing but fake tan and bruises on their legs? The only leg covering worth considering is either some Hansel from Basel tights or my personal choice, Falke Softmerino tights in charcoal. They're thin, but warm, but not itchy or boiling hot warm. And they're very soft, as the name suggests.

I'm not drinking Cava; my teeth will fall out. Far better to warm up with a nice Scotch. I favour Caol Ila but am not too fussy. In the morning you'll need an Hermes Pendulette travel clock by your side because the Scotch will have knocked you out cold and you'll be late otherwise.

Make up: loads of La Roche Posay moisturiser, Carmex lip balm and Laura Mercier eye pencil. Fingernails: NO glitter, shimmer or metallic. Opi Matte Russian Navy is as festive as I'm getting.
The only way I'll be getting away with any kind of flimsy party dress is by pairing it with a chunky cardigan and boots.