Lola Is Beauty: -

Friday, February 20, 2009

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I just re-read all your amazing How To Crawl Out of a Hole comments and they were really comforting. You are so good. (I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but the white SOS telephone in the sidebar is a permanent link to that post.)

I know a lot of people who are having a tough time at the moment and are dealing with it really well. I won't bore on about moth destruction or about all the other overwhelming shit that has piled up since then, but I am having a tough time and I am not coping with it well. I've always felt proud that I'm so independent and self sufficient but right now, having no support is not a good position to be in.

You know when you think, wow, this winter has been really long - and hard. (That sounded like I've been chipping at the frosty ground with a blunt pickaxe trying to unearth one potato on which to feed my seven children.) Then you remember that last autumn, summer and spring weren't so easy either. And the winter before that wasn't much fun. Then it dawns on you that the last few years things have got harder and harder to cope with until...

Everything seems so far away at the moment that it's hard to write the sort of thing I usually write about here. I'm shuffling around dishevelled in a daze and kind strangers keep striking up conversations with me. I'm not taking pictures or writing or reading or sleeping or eating properly. I did note that I liked Proenza Schouler and that Marc by Marc was back on form. But it was sort of like that information was connecting with some distant part of my brain that automatically records these things.

I'm sure I'll be back to being myself at some point. I've been writing here for 3 and a half years through all kinds of shit that I probably didn't even mention. But for the moment, please bear with me.

24 comments:

erica said...: the white s.o.s. telephone is genius. i somehow missed that post last fall, but my favorite thing to do is make a list and then cross each item off during the day. even if it includes mundane things like: eat linguine with butter and cheese, scrub pots, cuddle with the cats...

your comments remind me of that moment in the royal tenenbaums when chas says, 'i've had a rough year.' at a certain point, i stopped really answering people's questions about how i was doing because i feel like a broken record.

now i usually turn the question around and ask the questioner how they're doing. call it avoidance or what you will, but it helps me to not dwell too much on how i manage to keep putting one foot in front of the next.

no advice, here, just a huge dollop of empathy...looking at photos of sofia coppola in a coral sweater sitting on a white couch helps, though, so thank you for posting that!; 9:31 pm
Anonymous said...: I am (virtually) handing you a martini ;)
nancy; 10:19 pm
lalaolive said...: whoa.
totally on the same wavelength as you, having a hard time understanding how my strong independent self can hardly make anything work these days.

it is nice to know we aren't alone though, and it's nothing we are or are not doing. just the nature of these times.

stay strong.; 12:27 am
annbug said...: i read your 'How To Crawl Out of a Hole' post and i felt like your wrote it to me. its funny how each and everyone of us are own individual, living our lives but we're all going through the same universal thing.

i was gonna thank you for putting up such a lovely post, but it was from so long ago so I wasn't sure if you can see it, so i'm just going to take this opportunity to thank you for it.

i'm sorry that you have to refer back to that post, but i hope everything works out well for you.

i'm morbid, so when i'm feeling low, i turn off the lights and watch depressing movies and depress the crap out of myself until i can't take it anymore and end up doing something productive. like they say, once you've hit rock bottom, there is no way out but up, right?

PS: i think your blog is lovely; 4:55 am
mimi said...: I don't know what kind of advice can be given in these moments though I do have a whole load of empathy. I spent most of last year sinking and spiralling, but at some point this year I realised something v basic, that whatever happens I'm still alive, well, and with most of my mental faculties intact - whatever happens, I will still be able to turn towards something new. it seems a bit dumb but when you've been the punchbag for so many rubbishy things, it's easy to forget.
I hope things get better, asap, for you. Buckle in and hold tight; the rollercoaster will come to an end soon.; 8:45 am
Anonymous said...: Sending you love. I've had a difficult year too, but the tiny lengthening of the days is acting like a proper tonic - I'm slowly finding myself inspired by music and light and so on. And spring really is just around the corner. This is the moment when I make myself read The Secret Garden for the lovely bit when Mary scrapes away at the dead roses and realises they are all green and lively underneath. So cheering! Wishing you well, and hoping you'll be out with a camera soon. Olivia xx; 11:03 am
Anonymous said...: erica couldn't have put it in a better way, really.
more soon...
xxxxxxxx
Mia; 11:34 am
Anonymous said...: Coincidence - I was looking up "how to crawl out of a hole" for myself onyl a few days ago. Thank you for installing the phone! (Didn't know it then but from now on help is easier to find.) I don't know if it's the time of the year or that 2008 was such a bad year for me that I'm still exhausted (and by looking back since 2006 things are spiralling downwards, if not with the speed everything took in the last year). I was (and sometimes I still am) proud of my fierce independence but like you I seem to loose the grip on things - everything is distant, meaningless and I keep asking myself: why bother?

"Love yourself for being sensible" and "realize that all of us are just trying to figure it out" are the two lines which I need most these days.

Sorry that I can't cheer you up but I send you a (also virtual) stiff drink (sod the time) and a big wave of empathy. I still believe everything will look up once spring will be around. Hopefully.

kate
xx; 12:30 pm
Anonymous said...: loved marc

http://balmainbazaar.blogspot.com/; 1:17 pm
RD said...: Dear Lola,

I'm so sorry to hear about this -- I was having a tough week, a month or so ago, and then I though about it more and realized that it isn't that the week had been tough but also the the last year, for that matter the last four years.... My darkness become like a sinkhole, growing deeper and deeper.

Nothing in fact has changed between then and now except my mood, which has improved. I wish I knew how so I could advise or bottle it is as a pickup and sell it for 25 cents a bottle (or perhaps make that 100 dollars for 100 mL)...

A bit like the comments from your previous post, I think what helped me out of the hole was the little things, the reminder that I love these little beauties in life so much. It was like sand under skidding wheels...

More soon in other formats...

BB; 2:17 pm
Claire said...: thank you all x; 4:39 pm
bluepoppy said...: right here. by your side. not going nowhere.

if only we lived closer so I could be right by your side, sitting at a great pub.

~bp; 7:19 pm
Madame said...: Hope the sunshine today helped some x; 9:23 pm
Anonymous said...: You just put into words what so many are struggling to articulate to their family and friends. I hope everything that is going wrong in your life improves soon. I'm sure it will. Always remember that there is not a situation in the world that is all good or all bad.

Many hugs,
xxxxx; 11:27 pm
Anonymous said...: I check your blog almost every day and I guess that you are a sensitive soul, like me, and sometimes the price you pay for noticing things, is to notice everything.

"He must have looked up at an unfamiliar sky through frightening leaves and shivered as he found what a grotesque thing a rose is and how raw the sunlight was upon the scarcely created grass."

(My favourite Gatsby quote)

The whole of last year, and before that, gradually slipped out of my control. I'm so much happier now but I can't really explain why - I just gave myself more of a break (in every sense).

I still recommend Woody Allen - the classic years - for those sleepless nights.

Claire x; 10:37 pm
Anonymous said...: I keep checking back to see if you've been able to crawl out....and I am sad to see you are still stuck in mire. Just know that you are not alone...independent, self-sufficient people get derailed. And this current climate seems to be nibbling the edges of our sweetness like rats. Or moths. My best to you...; 3:17 pm
Claire said...: Thank you SO much - you're all so sweet! And to think I was feeling a bit of a twat for baring my soul. I will be back soon but I have so much to physically do to sort all this **** out at the moment. X; 3:32 pm
Rose said...: I'm a bit late here but I just wanted to say what everyone else has said, you're definitely not alone.

I find it a very comforting thought that being low can be a very natural reaction to the world which can seem very difficult and uninviting.

We have also had what feels like 2 years of winter really with occasional weeks of sandal wearing and while I like all weathers I think a change and a real summer would do us all the world of good.

Good luck; 8:48 am
Gisele said...: Hope you´re feeling better! If you´re up to it, I got tagged to list 7 random things about myself and since I like your blog I tag you. Hope you don´t mind?

http://tarteaucitrone.blogspot.com/2009/02/seven-things-about-me.html; 2:19 pm
Gisele said...: It´s Gisele again, I hope you understand that I mean when you´re actually feeling better and is once again ready to blog and partake in such "serious" matters as taggings etc. :)
Take care; 7:01 pm
Claire said...: Gisele - I think a tag might be just about the best way to ease back in to the blog world - so thanks...and thanks...; 11:37 pm
The Spicers said...: Your How to Crawl Out of a Hole post is brilliant. I've had a tough year as well and take great comfort in warm drinks and my cat. And booking a ticket to get away is one of my favorite ways to cope. Hope you're muddling through all right and will be back with us soon...best wishes.
xo
Janet; 11:39 pm
Anonymous said...: My dear. I haven't commented before and it's been a while since I've checked your (or any) site. I admire you very much, particular as I'm in a perhaps similar 'place'. It's actually a privilege to bear with you. Thanks for the pleasure of reading your posts.; 8:40 am
Claire said...: anon: thanks, that's so lovely of you.; 6:25 pm